


Emotion, Yet Peace

by LibraryMage



Series: Order 66 AU [3]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alternate Universe, Force Bond (Star Wars), Gen, Ilum, Jedi Training, Kanan still goes by Caleb, Master & Padawan Relationship(s), Order 66 didn't happen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-08-02 11:31:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16304357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LibraryMage/pseuds/LibraryMage
Summary: Depa and Caleb bring a group of younglings to Ilum, and Ezra is faced with his first real test as a Jedi.





	Emotion, Yet Peace

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by an AU created by LessAttitudeMoreAltitude, the details of which can be found here: https://lessattitudemorealtitude.tumblr.com/post/178918452146/i-need-more-au-jedi-knight-caleb-dume-padawan
> 
> I didn't have a full timeline figured out when I wrote this, so I'm going to say Ezra is about 10-ish and has been with the Jedi for less than a year at this point.

“Ezra.”

Ezra jumped and turned around to see Caleb behind him.

“Come on,” Caleb said, stepping around Ezra and heading deeper into the tunnel.  “It’s this way.”

He took off, moving so fast that Ezra had to run to keep up with him, needing at least two of his smaller steps to match one of Caleb’s.

“I thought you weren’t supposed to be here,” Ezra said.

“I couldn’t expect you to do this on your own,” Caleb said.

Ezra fell silent, his mouth drawing into a tight line as he tried to ignore now much Caleb’s words stung.  The other younglings were trusted to find their crystals by themselves, but Caleb didn’t think he could do it.  And if Master Billaba had let him follow Ezra into the cave, that meant _she_ didn’t think he could do this alone, either.

“Come on,” Caleb said, picking up speed as he rushed through the dark tunnels.  He seemed to know where he was going, though Ezra couldn’t tell one twisting branch of the caverns from another.  “It’s not far now.”

Ezra slipped and fell on the icy cave floor as he tried to keep pace with Caleb.  As he stumbled back to his feet, he looked up, only to see that Caleb wasn’t there.  Just ahead of where Ezra stood were three different tunnels branching off of the one he was in.  As he peered into each one, all he saw was darkness, with no sign of Caleb anywhere.

“Caleb!” he called.  “Where are you?”

There was no response beyond the echo of Ezra’s own voice.

Ezra hugged his arms around himself, trying to curb the fear that crept up in his mind, rising higher and higher like floodwaters.  Caleb would realize Ezra wasn’t with him and double back.  He wouldn’t just leave Ezra here by himself.  Ezra just had to wait and Caleb would come back for him.

Something slammed into Ezra, knocking him to the ground.  Ezra gasped and looked up to see it standing over him.  Some kind of creature made of shadows, barely bigger than he was, with one bright white eye filled with rage.

Ezra pulled himself back to his feet, his heart hammering.  Master Billaba hadn't told them there was anything else living in the caverns.

As the shadow lunged at him again, Ezra dodged to the side, grabbing its arm, finding that it was surprisingly solid.  He used the shadow creature’s own momentum to fling it against the cave wall.  Ezra smiled at the satisfying _thud_ of the shadow’s head against the stone wall.  At least _this_ was something he knew he could do, even without Caleb’s help.

Ezra reached out with the Force, dragging the shadow back and throwing it to the ground before pouncing on it, pinning it against the ground.  As he drew back his fist, something rammed into his stomach and he was tossed aside like he weighed nothing at all.  White hot fury burned away in Ezra’s chest as he got back to his feet.  He could do this.  He had to be able to do this.  He could defeat one monster made of shadows, and he could do it by himself.  He wasn’t some weak youngling who needed a master to take care of him.  He was a warrior, a survivor.  He was the apprentice of the last of the Sith -- or he _had_ been.  He was better than this.

Ezra let his rage drive him forward as he threw himself at the creature again, throwing his anger behind every attack.  But the harder he fought, the weaker the blows from his fists seemed to become, and the easier the shadow was able to dodge them and fight Ezra off.

Ezra made a sound somewhere between a growl and a frustrated scream as he slammed into the shadow, driving it back against the cavern wall, his hand clawing at where its face should have been, intent on gouging out that single eye.  But he couldn’t do it.  He tried, but each scratch with his nails did no damage at all.  The creature did nothing to fight back, letting Ezra try to rip out its eye, as if mocking him, knowing that nothing he did would work.

Ezra stumbled back, his fingers tangling in his hair as he shook with rage.  It wasn’t working.  Nothing he did was working.  This was supposed to be something he was good at.  He could fight.  He could defend himself.  He could make something else _hurt_.  He just had to use his anger; control it, channel it, turn it into a weapon.  But no matter how much he did that, it wasn’t working.

_Emotion, yet peace._

The voice echoed in the back of Ezra’s head.  It wasn’t his own voice.  It wasn’t Caleb’s or Master Billaba’s or any specific voice he could name.

_Emotion, yet peace._

Ezra drew in a long, shaking breath as he straightened up and faced the shadow creature again.  He felt his anger bubbling up in his chest again like water about to boil over, and pushed it back down.  It wasn’t going to do him any good now.  He could use it later.

The shadow lunged at Ezra, a fist raised to strike him in the face.  Ezra raised his arm, deflecting the blow, but didn’t strike back with one of his own.

“No,” he said, stepping quickly out of arms’ reach of the creature.  “I’m not going to fight you.”

The shadow turned its glistening eye to Ezra’s face, and it was all Ezra could do to stop himself from shaking as he stared the creature down.

“I’m not fighting you,” he said again.

As Ezra watched, the shadow creature evaporated, dissipating into the air as if it had never been there in the first place.  Right at the level where its eye had been, embedded in the cavern wall, was a small, glowing object.

Ezra took a hesitant step forward, his hand extended toward the bright spot of light in the wall.  Something seemed to pull him forward, as if someone had grabbed his hand and was trying to lead him.  He pressed his hand to the wall over the light and reached out through the Force.  The light shot out of the small pocket of stone it was embedded in and Ezra quickly closed his hand around it.  He could feel the kyber crystal pulsating with warmth in a steady rhythm, almost like a heartbeat.

Keeping the crystal clutched tightly in his hand, Ezra turned away and ran back the way he’d come.

* * *

 

Caleb gasped and stood up abruptly, driven to his feet by the sheer force of anger and pain and fear that stuck into his heart like the sudden jab of a needle.  Just as he took a step forward, he felt a hand close around his wrist and looked back to see Master Billaba holding him back.

“It’s Ezra,” Caleb said, pulling his arm out of her light grip.  “He’s scared.  He’s --”

“He’ll be alright,” Master Billaba said.  “There’s nothing in the caves that can actually harm him.”

“It’s not the caves I’m worried about,” Caleb said.  Ezra was a capable kid, in some ways more than he should be, and Caleb knew he could handle a frozen cave system.  It was what lurked inside Ezra’s own head, the things that the caves drew out and made people face, that Caleb was afraid of.  The kid was so angry and so scared, and even when he seemed content those feelings were always lurking under the surface.  Sometimes those feelings seemed to get too big for him to handle, and Caleb was afraid that now would be one of those times.

“Caleb,” Master Billaba said, her voice maddeningly calm, “if you go running after him now, all he’ll see is that you think he can't handle this on his own.”

Caleb gave a frustrated sigh and settled back onto his knees beside his old master.  He was beginning to wonder if this was as much a test for him as it was for the younglings.

Master Billaba’s hand found his and her grip tightened briefly, trying to wordlessly reassure him.

“Listen to your feelings, Caleb,” she said.  “ _Really_ listen.”

Caleb focused on the anger, the fear, the pain, honing in on their source.  He was right.  Ezra _was_ angry.  More than angry.  He was furious, and Caleb could practically feel himself shaking under the weight of his future padawan’s rage.  But no true sense of danger lurked there.  Ezra was safe, at least physically.  Emotionally…

_Emotion, yet peace._

As the voice echoed in Caleb’s mind, he felt something shift, both in his head and in Ezra’s.

_Emotion, yet peace._

Caleb pulled back his focus away from Ezra, barely holding back a sigh of relief.  The kid was doing just fine without him.

Master Billaba’s hand pulled away from his as she sensed he no longer needed it.  She didn’t say anything out loud, but Caleb could practically hear the _I told you_ echoing across their bond.

* * *

 

At first, as he ran through the caves, Ezra was elated.  He’d done it.  He’d passed the test and found his crystal.  He could do this, just like the other younglings could.  But as he kept running, he felt like something was tightening around his heart and something began to sting at his eyes.  His anger and fear was coming back up again, refusing to be kept down anymore.  Did it even matter if he’d been able to retrieve the kyber crystal when he could barely control his emotions?  When his first instinct had been to attack?

Did any of it matter if Caleb didn’t believe he could do this?

He knew now that it hadn't really been Caleb who’d led him to the crystal.  It had been Ezra’s own fears, pulled out of his head and shown to him by the caves.  But what if it hadn’t _just_ been a false vision, but a warning?  What if Ezra’s fear was actually right?

His vision was blurring by the time he saw the lowering wall of ice ahead of him and sprinted for it at full speed, no longer bothering to pay attention to the ice beneath his feet.  He just wanted to leave.  He just wanted Caleb.

* * *

 

Caleb was pacing again, watching the ice intently as he waited.  All the other younglings had made it back already, and only Ezra remained inside the caves.

Caleb heard him before he saw him.  Sharp, gasping breaths echoed from the cave, telling him Ezra was running.  Moments later, Caleb saw the boy’s dark hair as he ducked under the ice, bolting straight toward him.  Ezra slipped on the ice under his feet, but regained his balance before he fell, running to Caleb and slamming into his legs, throwing his skinny arms around him.

Ezra’s breath was hitching in his throat, telling Caleb without having to look at his face that the kid was crying.  The other younglings awkwardly turned away or looked at the ground, trying not to stare.

“It’s okay,” Caleb said, putting a hand on Ezra’s shoulder and running the other across his hair.

Ezra’s arms tightened around him, and Caleb could feel the kid shaking.  After a moment, Ezra let go, but stayed pressed against Caleb’s side, holding up a hand and opening it, revealing the crystal sitting on his palm.

“I got it,” Ezra said, his voice shaking.

“Yeah,” Caleb said.  “You did it.  You did great and I’m so proud of you.”


End file.
